How to Feel More Confident and Avoid Self-Comparison Traps
"Flowers don’t compete with the flower next to them. They just bloom." – Unknown
As you put your phone down after what feels like hours of scrolling, you notice that you don’t feel so good about yourself. Could it be the engagement announcement of someone you went to high school with? Or, maybe it’s the pictures of someone in your network sharing their young children looking angelic in matching outfits. Perhaps what really got you in your feels is the video of your rival out celebrating their new promotion.
The path to where we want to head in life can often feel lonely. It’s easy to feel like we don’t know what’s best, and so we tend to measure ourselves against what others in our communities and networks are doing, and by what they have. We peek to our left and to our right, and ask; How are they moving? How fast are they going? Am I walking the same way as them?
The questions can become endless as we start down a slippery slope of comparison.
As if that’s not already bad enough, there’s the hope to receive some positive feedback on our journey as well. The loneliness we feel can be exacerbated by silence as we trudge along.
Does anyone see me? Does anyone notice all of my hard work?
The road to success is not straightforward, or easy to navigate. It’s normal to sometimes feel confused, frustrated, and overwhelmed.
Sometimes, we can get into the habit of looking to others to ease these challenging feelings instead of tending to our own emotional and mental health, leading to anxiety, low mood, and low self-worth.
No, you’re not falling behind.
The next time that you find yourself feeling discouraged, consider if you’ve fallen into one of these habits, and whether or not it is time to work on your self-confidence.
Signs that you need a boost in self-confidence
You constantly feel Pressure to Perform
Ask yourself if recently you feel the need to appear exciting, successful, etc. Do you have a drive to play the part of what you think makes you appear wealthy, interesting, successful, etc? Are you spending a lot of money on things you don’t necessarily need? Are you always trying to stay a step ahead on Instagram, creating a false image for the sake of status?
How are other people thinking about me when I’m not being recognized for a new achievement, graduating with a new degree, or going on that luxury vacation?
Do other people see me as x, y, z?
You are frequently experiencing Anxious Rumination
Ask yourself how much time you are spending focusing on comparison, or participating in self-deprecation or catastrophizing. Are you having excessive periods of worrying and having repetitive thoughts about what others have going on and comparing yourself to them? Has your self-talk been mostly negative and self-critical?
What if I never catch up to [my peers]?
Am I actually successful if I haven’t purchased [that thing], traveled to [that place], or accomplished [this]?
If [a specific peer] does x, y, z, it means [this negative belief] about me.
You are Seeking Validation from others- A Lot.
Ask yourself if you are excessively asking for others to affirm your efforts. Have you been trusting the opinions of others over your own? Are you doing things specifically with the intention of receiving praise?
If [peer/mentor/parent] doesn’t approve of what I’m doing, it means that I’m doing something wrong.
It makes me feel better when [partner/peer/colleague] agrees with what I’m thinking. If they don’t, I will probably second-guess myself and maybe even abandon my needs and wants.
Once my connections on Instagram/LinkedIn see [perceived achievement], I will feel really good about myself.
If you could relate to any of the signs above, and want to make a change, book a free consultation with me and let’s work on building your self-confidence together!
Here are 3 mindset shifts that I want you to consider today:
Remember your why
Refocusing on what has you on your personal quest can reignite your passion and commitment to the prize waiting at the end of the tunnel. All of your hard work, dedication and sacrifices aren’t in vain. All of your effort is being poured into something greater.
Remember that every accomplishment is a win, even if it’s 1%
I’m not trying to influence you to gamify your process; however, focusing on every step you take and every 1% achieved can be very rewarding. If you are preoccupied with your own progress, it’s easier to remind yourself of how much work you’re doing and how much closer you are to your goal. Track your progress, and celebrate each win- no matter how small it may seem at the time!
Romanticize your journey
This advice has become so cliche, but hear me out! No one can take your story. It’s yours, and yours alone. That in itself is beautiful. Focus on reframing where you currently are as part of your story. How will you tell this part of your story in the future? How will it feel to overcome this part?
Here are some steps you can take today to help you to focus on your own journey and to build confidence as you continue on:
Update what you’re seeing on social media.
Search for the accounts that don’t make you feel your best and unfollow them. Consider temporarily muting people you know, where viewing their posts aren’t beneficial for your mental health for the time being.
Choose 1 way to track your progress consistently.
Use an app created for this purpose, or create a spreadsheet or other document that will allow you to see how much you are accomplishing and how far you’ve come.
Journaling Prompts:
Visualize who will be celebrating with you once you accomplish your goal. Where will you all be? What will you all be doing? How will they show up for you? How will you feel?
What in my life am I proud of? What have I accomplished that allows me to live the life I want?
I hope you found this helpful! Leave me a comment if you tried any of the suggestions above. I love hearing about how you are managing your mental health while pursuing your goals!
As Always, Be Well!
~Jessica Herd, LMHC-D
Jessica Herd, LMHC-D Psychotherapist licensed in New York and Florida
Resources:
National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Dial “988”
Text Crisis Line: Text “HELLO” to 741741
